


Armour

by MusicalRaven



Series: Transman!Arin [1]
Category: Game Grumps, Real Person Fiction, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Dysphoria, F/M, Poetry, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-23
Updated: 2017-09-23
Packaged: 2019-01-04 15:11:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12171390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MusicalRaven/pseuds/MusicalRaven
Summary: Arin wants to wear a very feminine shirt, but his dysphoria gets in the way.[Can be read as a stand-alone]





	Armour

**Author's Note:**

> Written from my own experiences with femininity and as a transguy.
> 
> Disclaimer: Arin is _not trans irl_. This fic is an AU, nothing more

An old enemy was clutched in Arin's fist  
Silk and ribbon carressing his skin  
As he pulled tight the hair tie  
Revealing a face of indecision  
Lips taunt, eyes cast down  
Wiggling his bare toes against the carpet.  
A mask was no longer in place  
Broken down by hormones and surgeries  
A blank canvess he had shaped his life upon  
An enemy he was allowed to embrace  
No judgement.

He let his hands drop  
Dead weight, silk swishing.  
The pink fabric  
A new step, one he had craved  
But out of reach.  
He slowly lifted his hand  
Teeth on lip  
A swath of cloth in his vision  
As he held it to his bare chest  
Scars rubbing against the fabric.  
Fingertips traced the lines  
Where once flesh grew  
And womanhood was a word on his tongue  
Burning his heart like a funeral pyre  
All smiles and bows as he was consumed  
A little girl for the world to grow.

He shuttered  
Hand dropping from his chest to grip the shirt tighter.  
He was not in that place  
But the feelings were there  
The tightness in his chest  
The defeat in his eyes.  
He dug his nails, eyes on his dresser  
An old friend, worn but firmilliar  
Fingertips yearning.

Soft lips against his neck and arms encroching  
On space he'd built in his own absence.  
He flinched, eyes shut tight as arms wrapped tighter.  
Soothing, holding, calming.  
He sighed, head back against Suzy's shoulder  
A plea, a release  
As she took the shirt from his grasp  
A burden shared.

"You don't have to, babe," She said  
Lips carassing skin, fingers splayed.  
"It's a choice  
But it's yours to chose."  
She nudged him  
Head up, mirror glaring as silk drapped over his chest.  
He forced himself to see the absence  
Of feminine features on a body he'd worked for  
A canvas he chose.  
He swallowed hard  
And fingers slipped into his  
A reminder of a promise they held  
Back when darkness seaped at the edges  
Stolen kisses and bloodied fists  
A broken soul in a blood red dress.

Arin turned, arms wrapped tight around her waist  
As he began the shaking  
His mind at war with what he wanted  
As she kissed his cheek and let him cry  
Hands balled, face contorted  
The shirt in a pile on the ground.  
He stay there  
A broken man putting himself together  
In a world that took his pieces  
And forced them into a focus  
Mocking and scratching.  
A stupid shirt shouldn't mean this much  
But memories never left like they should.

Time blurred  
A fountain of pain bubbling up  
As they stood, wept, waited.  
A final sniffle, pulling back, Arin gave Suzy a lopsided smile.  
"I'm committed now," He said  
A chuckle falling flat  
And fingers cupped his cheek. He shrugged, smile a bit more genuine  
Kissing her palm and then her forehead.  
"I want to. I won't let it beat me."

Suzy sighed, staring a moment before nodding.  
"Alright," She murmered, a kiss on his lips. "Alright."  
Fingertips caught, pulling upwards  
As she held out the shirt to him, soft smile, short sigh.  
He pulled, over his head and down  
Down  
Down and through with his back to the mirror  
He smoothed the fabric over his chest  
The tighteness back and breathing hitched.  
Suzy's hand was back in his  
Grounding  
As he took a shakey breath.  
"Beautiful," She said, eyes crinkling as she smiled  
And Arin held tight  
Eyes closing, breathes slow  
As he turned to face his nightmare once more.

He wasn't sure why he expected  
Curves to sprout and his chest to grow  
As if he was confirming a childhood of doubt  
In silk and pink bows  
But he still appeared  
Flat chest and full beard but wrapped in pink  
A testiment to his own wants  
Rather than his fears.  
He breathed, in and out, in and out  
No change  
Just him  
Only him.  
And he smiled, fingers tugging down  
His old enemy no longer an evil in curves and ribbons  
But comfort in colour and femininity.  
His promise, his choice, his armour.

**Author's Note:**

> Edit: You can find the podfic of this work [here](https://m.soundcloud.com/user-911882234/arrmour-podfic-of-musicalraven) done by my friend Vic. You can also find them on [AO3](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vziii) and [Tumblr](https://vziii.tumblr.com)


End file.
